So, I got a request to speak to a class of high school seniors on the basics of farm life, as a few of them had expressed interest in the agriculture field when they moved on to higher education.

When I questioned the teacher, “Wouldn’t it be better if Ed had a little chat with them?” the ol’ teach relayed that three-fourths of the class were gals and he thought I could give a better lowdown of farm life from a female’s perspective.

Not having a clue what I would contribute to the students, I jotted a few notes down and then crumpled up the piece of paper and tossed it in the backseat with a huge sigh. I could tell the kids about life on the farm and how things were run, but until they experienced it firsthand and learned from their own trials and errors, it would be impossible to teach them anything.

After introductions, I thought a question-and-answer approach would be best, as my future ag replacements seemed more interested in filing their nails and texting on cell phones than learning the ins and outs of farm life.

After a brief and silent stand-off of no questions, I asked Desk 4 what her thoughts were about how to make the agriculture world a “better place.” Her answer about blew me away, as she had plans to invent a new crop that would be resistant to disease and harvest a bountiful yield year after year without the use of machinery to “dirty the air.” She looked at me kind of strange when I asked if she knew how to drive a horse, as her “invention” was about 200 years in the past.

Desk 2 piped up that her plans were to raise chickens and share with all her neighbors, eliminating the need to shop in the grocery poultry aisle. Ohhh, too good to pass up, I asked 2 if she had ever butchered a chicken. The blank stare was worth every blasted feather I had ever plucked as she was enlightened of the “ins and outs” of that particular branch of farm life. First, you will need a very large container of boiling water and an extremely sharp ax. Two students fainted, and I continued on to see if I could lose a couple more “future farmers.” Make sure all grandmothers and small children are at least 100 yards from the chicken before it’s beheaded since chickens tend to run faster without a head than with one. Desk 8 sported one of the few guys in the class, and I swear, his mouth was open far enough to toss a football into. Final instructions were to dip the chicken in the boiling water for instant feather removal and then hang it on a nearby clothesline to pluck the remainders. The 911 call from Desk 5’s cell phone caused a short commotion in the class, but Teach had them settled down in no time.

I had most of the students’ wide-eyed attention by then, and Desk 13 relayed that she would like to raise cattle. Ahh, excellent choice! I rattled off the different breeds and asked if she would be grazing her herd or feeding dry lot. Another answer to add a few gray hairs to my head: She would raise the kind that sported nice big juicy chops.

Desk 15 chimed in with some intelligence: She would like to work in the export field and eventually trade oil for farm machinery, creating many jobs for the unemployed to build tractors. A good thought, 15; you should gear your higher education to first learning all parts of a tractor so you know the value versus oil. This time I about fainted as she responded point-blank, “Wouldn’t that be listed on eBay?”

Taking another approach I thought the kids would understand, I started with dirt. When it rains, you will need rubber boots. When the pigs get out, you will need to know more than basic algebra to figure out which way they’re headed and how their minds work. Pay attention in English class and then think totally opposite when you are instructed to pull a stuck pickup out of the field. Use your college fitness center as much as possible to get strong and fast in order to outrun both a bumblebee and a mad bull. Fancy penmanship will get you tossed out of a grain elevator faster than you got in; learn to read and write chicken scratch on a feed bag. Stock up on duct tape and baling twine; it will save your rump in ’most any situation.

There, munchkins, you are all now ready to be farmers…