An estimated 32 million Americans watched the first round of the NFL Draft on television last week. The biggest loser of the night was not Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel, who went unpicked for round after round while ESPN’s cameras focused on his uncomfortableness, but rather the collective livers of the nation’s males aged 18-55 after being pummeled with Bud Light for hours on end.
The broadcasts are a well-oiled machine, with the opinionated commentators building suspense with speculation and analysis. There are enough plot twists and turns to offer plenty of real-life drama. And, of course, there are the obligatory interviews in which the players thank God for rewarding all their hard work by sending them to Cleveland, Buffalo or Detroit instead of New York, Miami or Phoenix.
Each time a team makes a selection, it allows the commentators to wax eloquently about how this linebacker or tight end was a great pick and is a great athlete and undoubtedly has a great future. Great, great, great. It’s all great on draft day.
Of course, we know it isn’t. We know half of the first-round picks (or more) won’t live up to expectations and some will be downright busts, wasted selections costing their teams millions that could’ve been better spent helping pay for their new taxpayer-subsidized stadiums. That’s why its high time commentators begin offering honest speculation and analysis during the draft, to better prepare fans for what might be coming. Here’s what we should see next year:
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: “With the 18th pick in the 2015 NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings select Tommy Goldenboy, wide receiver from LSU.”
(Mix of cheers and boos from the audience as Goldenboy runs on stage and hugs Goodell.)
Trey Van Mousse, ESPN anchor: “Certainly not everybody is on board with Minnesota’s pick out of LSU, which by the way is not the famous Louisiana State University in Baton Rouge. This is the Louisville School of Unemployables, sort of a clearinghouse for those college athletes who haven’t been able to stick at other schools. Mainly those that require athletes to attend class, at least for appearances sake.”
Billy Joe Armani, former NFL quarterback: “No doubt this is going to be met with mixed emotions in Minneapolis, Chris. And I think we just saw one of the reasons why. Replays show Goldenboy stole the commissioner’s Rolex when they embraced.”
Mel Hyper, ESPN’s draft expert and salon consultant: “THERE’S NO QUESTION GOLDENBOY HAS OVERCOME SOME ADVERSITY IN HIS COLLEGE CAREER, BUT THIS IS A YOUNG MAN WITH TREMENDOUS UPSIDE WHO CAN RUN A 4.1 SECOND 40-YARD DASH!”
Mousse: “He did that for NFL scouts?”
Hyper: “NO, RUNNING FROM THE POLICE WHEN HE SHOPLIFTED CRAB LEGS FROM THE PIGGLY WIGGLY IN MIAMI TWO DAYS PRIOR TO THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP BOWL GAME.”
Mousse: “Ah yes, that’s the game in which Goldenboy overcame the adversity of the media asking him about his felony record to catch 13 passes for 241 yards and four touchdowns to help LSU win the title for Coach Byout Claus. Goldenboy’s penalty for shoplifting was a severe one. Despite media and faculty screaming for Goldenboy to be suspended for the title game, Coach Claus allowed Goldenboy to play in the game — but held him out of the first play of the game and made him give up his exit row seat for the charter flight home. Ouch!”
Armani: “It was a courageous decision by Coach, because he knew darn well the tough punishment might cause Goldenboy to forgo his senior season and declare for the NFL draft. And that’s exactly what he did.”
Mousse: “True, and Goldenboy’s departure will likely devastate LSU’s team for next season. They’ll be fortunate to win two games. Luckily Coach Claus already had a job lined up at a different college for triple his salary up before the charter plane landed in Louisville.”
Hyper: “ANOTHER REASON VIKINGS FANS MAY BE UPSET IS BECAUSE NOT ONLY DOES GOLDENBOY HAVE QUESTIONABLE CHARACTER, ITS ALSO ALLEGED HE SCORED 6 ON HIS A.C.T. TEST! HE’S DUMBER THAN THE BOXFUL OF HAMMERS HE WAS CAUGHT FENCING ON CAMPUS!”
Mousse: “Goldenboy claimed he needed some extra money because the full scholarship, room, board and $10,000 cash he was receiving monthly from boosters wasn’t enough to sustain the lifestyle to which he was accustomed.”
Armani: “He grew up in a trailer park in Toad Suck, Arkansas.”
Mousse: “The lifestyle to which was accustomed at the college before he transferred to LSU. Boosters there were giving him $15,000 a month.”
Hyper: “IT LOOKS LIKE GOLDENBOY IS READY FOR HIS INTERVIEW. TOMMY, DO YOU BELIEVE YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO HELP THE VIKINGS?”
Goldenboy: “That’s in the Lord’s hands, guys. It’s so satisfying to know He has rewarded me for all my hard work. I just want to thank Him for this opportunity. I’m so blessed. I mean, look at this: I’ve only been in the NFL for five minutes and He’s already seen to it I have new Rolex.”
(Mike McFeely is a talk-show host on 790 KFGO-AM. His show airs 2-5 p.m. weekdays.)