First off, before I say anything else, I’d like to thank the folks here at Bob’s All-Night University and Laundromat here in sunny Tijuana – which we up north often call “the Vienna of Mexico” — for the opportunity to address you, the graduating class of 2012. It is almost an honor.

Second, I’d also like to thank Bob’s for awarding me this honorary doctorate in 14th century Peruvian literature. It’s only slightly more useful than an actual doctorate in 14th century Peruvian literature, but I’ve got to tell you: Whoever does the artwork on your diplomas does a fine job. I can’t wait to hang my Bob’s diploma over my desk, if only to prove that a sheepskin from a real university actually sometimes contains a colorful drawing of Salma Hayek in a bikini.

As I look out on this bright, shining sea of faces, faces of people whose college admission scores were exceeded only by Tiger Woods’ score at the Master’s, I am struck by the hope and eagerness of your smiles. I’m also struck by the great need for dental work many of you have, but I realize that will have to wait until you get a job that involves more complex skills than the making of hamburgers.

Still, your smiles gladden the heart of even a fat, dyspeptic, middle-aged man. It is heartening to know that today’s college graduates are just as clueless about what awaits them as I was 30 years ago.

But what can I tell you to give you the clue you now so desperately lack?

Well, it is customary for many graduation speeches to note that “today is not an end, but a beginning.” That may set an optimistic tone, but if the quest for knowledge you have endured for the past four years is the quest for truth, please let me leave a small, flaming bag of truth on your front porch.

For the truth is, graduation is not a beginning, it is an end. It is an end for many of the things you have undoubtedly grown fond of during your college experience.

For example, it is the end of anybody giving a tinker’s damn about your feelings. In the first place, there aren’t many tinkers around anymore, which I know comes as a shock to those of you who majored in pot and pan repair here at Bob’s. I mean, why get a broken pan repaired when you can buy a new one for a few pennies at Walmart?

But even if pot and pan repair were a growth industry, most of the world still wouldn’t care much when you get your feelings hurt. The real world is a cold, cruel place, full of avarice, hatred, selfishness and duplicity. In fact, there are people out there whose whole motivating force in life is to hurt the tender feelings of such as you. You will undoubtedly work for them. And when you look at them, your sad, puppy-dog eyes brimming with wounded tears, they will simply laugh. And then they will sip from their cup of bile and remind you that if you don’t want to work there any more, there are plenty of other people who will stand in line just for the chance to make minimum wage scrubbing restroom floors with a toothbrush. If you’re lucky, that person might give you a new toothbrush before sending you on your way.

The end of your college years also is the end of anything like carefree fun. You have spent the last four – or in some cases, eight – years drinking Jagermeister out of each other’s’ navels, but I’m afraid that isn’t going to happen much from now on. Even if you find a job that provides enough disposable income for such debauchery, after an average day in the rat race you’ll be far too tired to spend a night painting the town. It is more likely that on every weeknight for the next 50 years or so, you will come home, eat a Hot Pocket, watch a few minutes of “Love Boat” reruns and then fall into bed, sleeping soundly except for the half-dozen times you awake screaming until an alarm clock’s ratcheting buzz tells you another day in paradise is beginning.

But there is plenty of time for you to find out such fundamental truths. Perhaps my time here would be better spent passing on to you my wisdom in the form of a few guiding principles and rules I have learned lo, these many years. For example:

· Many times you will hear someone say, “it’s not the money, it’s the principle of the thing.” That is true 90 percent of the time. However, 90 percent of that 90 percent of the time, the principle involved is “not spending any more money than you have to.”

· See that really hot woman/man over there? The one who’s smiling at you? She/he is actually thinking, “Boy, I’m glad I’m not that ugly.”

· Never walk naked into a machine shop.

· When choosing between the lesser of two evils, choose the one that will allow the judge to sentence you to time served and home monitoring for six months.

· When your teen-age daughter screams “I hate you” after you’ve refused to let her get a tattoo of Justin Bieber on her butt, she isn’t just using a figure of speech.

· Speaking of Justin Bieber, you know that celebrity you worship? The one you’ve wrote to, who then sent back an autographed photo? They never actually saw your letter. In fact, their signature on the photo was probably forged by a graduate of this school’s fine forgery department.

Now, I know you may find all of this a little depressing. I know you were expecting a message of hope, one you could clutch in your sweaty hand along with your Salma Hayek-festooned diploma as you strode confidently into the real world, ready to make your mark. I know you weren’t expecting your graduation speaker to level with you in such a brutal manner. Well, to those of you who might be a little surprised, even distressed, by this, I have a single word:

Tough.