So I moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!It is beautiful. We finally found our home. I love it here.

July 1st

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. We’re turning into sun worshippers.

July 5th

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but we love it here.

July 9th

The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than we expected.

July 15th

I fell asleep by the community pool and got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of casino bus trips. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 18th

We got a cat, named her Lomita…she snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Tuna Kibbles and poop. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol’ Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 20th

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $500 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 22nd

We’ve been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. A multi-million dollar resort, our new home and we can’t even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

July 25th

It’s 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

July27th

If another smart ass cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time we get to the grocery store, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

July 28th

Tried to run some errands… I wore shorts, and when I sat on the seat in the car, I thought my butt was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

July 29th

The weather report might as well be a dang recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,300 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can’t live in this damn heat.

July 30th

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 120 today. Cacti are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife paid $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freakin’ Arizona! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes…

Note: This has been a fictional, light-humor look at moving to Arizona. There was no cat; I like cats!

Tom “Road” Blair
Website: www.tomroadblair.com