Everybody should spend the night in jail. I can say that, having now done it.
No, they didnt finally catch me doing something I could be jailed for (the statute of limitations having expired on most of those things). I spent a night in the new Cole County Jail in Jefferson City, Mo. The jail was only recently completed its so new, in fact, that in the office portion many of the office numbers are designated by sticky notes on the doors and before they move the prisoners in they scheduled a Bed, Breakfast and Bars event for the public.
It was held last Friday and Saturday; my girlfriend and I were two of about 90 people who participated the first night. For $30, you got a space in a cell (Karon and I were cellmates), a T-shirt, mug shot, dinner and breakfast, plus a tour of the building. (Cass County did something similar when the jail opened there, although it was restricted to media types. I missed that, much to my chagrin.)
I cant really say the experience was enjoyable, although it was worth every nickel. It certainly was, well, interesting.
Just as in the Cass County Jail, the Cole County Jail is built as a series of pods. Each pod contains cells, a day room with a television and video visiting hookup, tables with attached stools and a rec room. I was more than a little amused by the rec room, which isnt the knotty-pine-paneling-and-shag-carpeting-with-Ping-Pong-table little nest the term brings to mind. Its an empty room with a concrete floor and a large window to let in natural light, as the law requires. But thats all it is. The prisoners arent allowed any recreational equipment, because even a Nerf ball in creative, bored hands can become a weapon. About all the prisoners can do during their one hour a day in the rec room is walk around its perimeter and do calisthenics. Not my idea of a fun afternoon, but when youre in your cell or in front of the one TV for the rest of the day, I suppose recreation is a matter of semantics.
The pods, which had mirrored glass so you couldnt see outside them, were arranged in a circle around a central control area that looked like the bridge of the starship Enterprise.
The food, which is provided by a private contractor, was adequate and edible, but thats about it. Dinner was turkey-noodle hot dish, navy beans, cole slaw (which I wont eat under the best of circumstances), cornbread and bread pudding (which wasnt bad). The drink was cold (not iced) tea. Breakfast was apparently-powdered eggs, a slice of fried turkey bologna, grits (this is close to the South, after all), coffee cake and something like Tang. The coffee cake was good; I was one of the few people who liked the grits. Few, if any, finished the turkey bologna.
Like the food, the day room was adequate, but you couldnt call it comfortable. Its most distinguishing feature is a toilet off to one side. During those times the prisoners are in the day room, they arent allowed to go back to their cells. If nature calls, they have to use the toilet in the day room, which has a modesty panel that doesnt quite shield the user from the rest of the room. In other words, even if you like what youre having for lunch the ambience isnt exactly charming.
The cells themselves are maybe 7 by 12 feet and feature two bunks, a small writing table and two benches protruding from the wall and, believe it or not, a shower. The water is only turned on in the shower for a couple of minutes a couple of times a day, but given the reputation of group jail showers it probably makes sense, from a security standpoint, to have one in each cell.
The sheriff, whos also an ordained Baptist minister and a very nice guy, conducted our tour. He obviously was proud of the jail and showed us pretty much every inch. I couldve done without seeing the parking garage, but better to see too much than not enough. And he gave a very interesting talk, including subjects like riot control in a jail, how interrogations are done and what happened security-wise the day Osama bin Laden was killed. I cant tell you a lot of what he said, but heres an interesting tidbit: he found out about bin Laden a couple of hours before it hit the news, mostly due to a private intelligence network hes developed during three decades in law enforcement. His talk about the jails security measures in regard to terrorism actually was a little shiver-inducing.
Perhaps the most interesting thing about the experience was the myriad tiny ways in which a modern jail is unlike the popular conception everybody gets from the movies. It isnt a question of just throwing somebody in a barred room and locking the door. I would venture to say that from a technological standpoint, jails are as sophisticated if not more so than any hospital or Silicon Valley cubicle farm. Part of that is a consequence of the need for security, but theres also an element of enlightened thinking. They dont do anything much to make inmates comfortable, but theres plenty of attention paid to at least avoid doing anything to needlessly irritate them.
But its still jail. If you think jail is no big deal, spend a night in one sometime and youll see just how unpleasant it is. I cant imagine spending most of your day in one of those cells, with nothing to do but watch TV through the window, with one other person. Hell, I was with my girlfriend, whom I love, and it was crowded enough; imagine being penned in with somebody you didnt like, much less had to keep an eye on.
So, hopefully, I wont be going back to jail any time soon. All the same, though, I really should check the statute of limitations on a few things.