There is nothing quite like going into a combat zone. The military does anything and everything that they can possibly do to train you to be ready for it, but even the most realistic training doesn’t compare to the real thing. During our pre-deployment training we did live-fire exercises in which we did tactical movements through urban and forest environments. We practiced kicking in doors and clearing houses while firing live rounds and targets, and we trained with real explosives. We were very well and very thoroughly trained in the art of war. But even training with live rounds and explosives doesn’t really prepare you for what happens next. There is no substitute for real combat. It’s loud, it’s exciting, it’s chaotic, and it’s an unmatchable adrenaline rush with such a wide variety of extreme emotions that you just react, you don’t think. You just do.

The transition of going from a civilian to a soldier is something that not everyone is cut out for. Likewise, the transition from going from training to combat requires some transitioning as well. We had done a lot of training with live rounds, but everything changes when you’re shooting at targets that can actually shoot back. Even when people were shooting back at us, the true gravity of that didn’t even sink in until the first time I saw one of my friends get shot. When you shoot a paper target the only result you see is a hole in a piece of paper, but when you see one of your friends get shot, and what those tiny little bullets can do to human flesh, tissue, and bone it is a very big reality check and something you don’t forget.

During training it didn’t really matter if you missed something because it would be corrected, and then you’d do it again. During combat operations you see everything or people can die. You have to be vigilant and alert to what is going around you all day, every day. I remember missions that would last several days and involved walking miles and miles. During a multi-day mission I would carry roughly 100 pounds of equipment with me and we’d walk for hours on end. You reach the point where your body can’t take any more, and then you walk some more because stopping just isn’t an option. You feel this way for 18 hours a day until you stop for the night, wonder who’s watching you while you try to sleep for an hour, and then you get up and do it again. You learn very quickly that you can’t let your guard down for a moment. This is vastly different from normal life, and even vastly different from military training.

Once you’ve experienced combat there is nothing else like it. It is like semi-controlled chaos. There is an objective, and a plan on how to achieve it, and then the situation changes. It literally goes against every single bit of human nature that’s in us. You have to control your fears, and then run directly into the face of danger which goes against your basic survival instincts. During a fire fight people act independently to serve the team, and the teams work independently to serve the platoon. There are a lot of moving pieces with a lot of variables. All of which can malfunction at any point in time. The more you do it, the more you come to understand the concepts of what you’re actually doing and not just going through the motions because that’s what you’re supposed to do. We did not malfunction very often, and we became extremely proficient at working as a team to destroy the enemy.

The more experience you get with this, the more engrained it becomes in you, and the more difficult it is to get rid of after you’re done. When I came home, it took me a couple of months to stop reaching for a gun on my hip that wasn’t there when I was startled. I still find myself watching people and my surroundings when I walk around thinking about what could happen. The Army did teach me to be reactive. To take in a situation and then be able to change with it. Unfortunately these are instincts that can’t be unlearned.