Veterans face a lot of challenges when they come home. I found in my own case that there was a lot things that I’d face that I didn’t know how to handle, or more accurately, I didn’t know how to handle them on my own. Making the transition from being an active duty soldier to being a civilian was probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life. I fell into a rut that happens to a lot of veterans when they get out. I developed a debilitating sense of anxiety and depression. I feel like I was ill-prepared and pretty clueless as to what I was going through and I didn’t know what to do, which only made it worse.

The Army has gotten pretty good at taking civilians and turning them into soldiers, but as is evident to me, as well as evident from mental health and suicide statistics, they haven’t yet become as efficient at helping soldiers transform back into a civilian, and doing so was far more difficult than anything I’d ever done before. Immediately upon getting out of the Army I was pretty happy. I felt like I was free to live on my own time and do what I wanted when I wanted to do it. It was a pretty good feeling to not have to answer to anybody after 4 years of having every second of your life scheduled.

This feeling lasted for just about 24 hours, until I woke up the next day. That’s when it started to sink in. I had spent the last four years of my life being part of the biggest strongest team in the world, and all of a sudden I was one person on my own and it was an extremely unsettling feeling for me. I was also 1500 miles away from home as I stayed in Washington after my discharge. I felt pretty small and useless in the grand scheme of things. My self-confidence disappeared which was something I’d never experienced before. I tried to keep myself occupied but I couldn’t get over the fact that I felt like I was no longer apart of anything. I didn’t know what was actually happening inside my head so it never occurred to me that I should probably seek some sort of help. I just slowly sunk into these feelings, and feeling extremely anxious, withdrawn, and paranoid. I really needed some help, but I didn’t trust anybody enough to ask for help and I didn’t know how to ask anybody else.

I didn’t have a very good quality of life at that point. I kept to myself, and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me or how to make myself happy. All of my friends in the area were either still in the Army and training for another deployment or out of the Army and moved back home to wherever they were from. I developed some coping mechanisms that typically wouldn’t be recommended by a doctor to take my mind off of how I felt, both about myself and where I was in my life. I vented my anger and confusion in ways that were pretty destructive to myself and those that were around me. I got to the point where I not only didn’t know how to ask for help, but I was defensive and not very kind to people who offered any kind of help. I received medical care at the VA Hospital near my apartment there but I denied any kind of problems whenever I was asked about it because I felt that I could handle or fix anything myself. The situation in which I was living was not one that was very satisfying one. I felt pretty helpless and hopeless, and it didn’t look like it was going to get any better anytime soon. I eventually got to the point where I was feeling so miserable that I knew that something had to change, and it wasn’t going to change on its own, so I asked for help.

I don’t write this as an attempt to receive pity because that does nobody any good. The point in writing this is to show other veterans who might be experiencing similar after effects of their military experience. I know how crappy and hopeless things can get because they were that way for me, but I also know that things can get better. There are many avenues to use to try to improve your life. I’m not a mental health professional, but I know that much. Because of my job I know many of these avenues and would be happy to pass them along if they are needed by anybody.