While I’ve read the comments and editorial letters to The Forum like everyone else about the newspaper’s new section, “SHE SAYS,” my reaction has not been the same as those who are chastising the writers or the publisher for “allowing” it to run. On the contrary, I have a feeling there may be “more” to why so many of the criticizing letters are being printed. A lot more.
And because of this, it makes me feel –well, “icky” for Mary Jo Hotzler, editor of the “SHE SAYS” section. First of all, I have no idea who Ms. Hotzler is. We have never met. But contrary to my sometimes persona as “Mad Dog,” I really am not comfortable when someone is getting picked on or beat up and either can’t or isn’t in a position to fight back or answer allegations or statements in their defense. Mary Jo Hotzler I am very certain doesn’t need me defending “She Says.” Which is a good thing, because while I like the premise behind the section, I can do without much of the “saccharin” content that gives my stomach that queasy feeling when I read an article about what a tough decision it is to make regarding whether a woman should change or keep her “own” surname when marrying. I’m sorry, but if that is the biggest dilemma a newly married female has to face, wow! What a storybook life she must have!
“She Says” has so much potential to reach so many women on many levels that could actually help in bringing new insights and news and opinions for all ages of women. I really hope it is allowed to grow up and become a meaningful media segment of The Forum. But it has to “get real” first. Real in the sense of exactly what social demographic is it trying to reach? If this is for the one percent who have wealthier lifestyles, and are able to enjoy life without ever having to worry that if your car breaks down in winter you may not be able to have it repaired due to a lack of money, or if the “ex” pulls a no-show this month in paying his child support but you are still calm and certain that your Child Care Provider will be paid, along with the other umpteen bills you have, then hey – “She Says” is doing a bang-up job.
However, if “She Says” wants to reach the majority of women who are in the trenches daily juggling work, child care responsibilities that entail everything from making and remembering dental appointments, to tucking the kids in at night, along with trying to keep a happy relationship with a “significant” other in balance, while finding ten minutes in the day (or night) to kick back and draw a deep breath just for yourself— then, no, “She Says” is missing some major substance.
Women are complicated. Just ask any red-blooded American male with a sister or a wife. We’ve become more so over the decades of learning just how incredibly talented we are. No longer are we attempting to please just one person, we’re all about trying to accomplish what we individually believe should be done to make us and our lives more fulfilling, well rounded, acknowledged, and loved. Keeping up with the next door neighbor is passé and long behind us.
Today we have the same pressures as our male counterparts in the work place. We also have to make the ultimate sacrifice of choosing between careers and family life. Juggling all the balls most of us have in the air at one time is nerve-wracking, to the say the least. Looking for answers from women who forged the path into the world of Superwomen helps some, but not completely, because standards of what was “acceptable” even twenty years ago and what is acceptable today have changed.
It’s easy to criticize what’s been done so far, but instead of writing snarky letters about what it is, tell Mary Jo and the other writers what you want to read about. I know I would like to know more about how some women are coping with full-time jobs, two (or more) children and little financial support beyond their salaries. Do you need to utilize the food pantries in the area?
Is there a grandparent in the wings? When you cut back on specific areas, what gets cut first? Clothes? Food? Heat? Gas? How about an interview with a Muslim woman who continues to wear tunics and the Hjiab covering her entire head? I appreciate religious diversity as much as anyone; however, somehow seeing these women having to hide themselves with what they wear smacks of total inequality to me. Obviously, I don’t understand it. Reading an interview with a female Muslim who can explain it and help me believe she isn’t being mistreated or forced to behave as though she is inferior would be helpful in adjusting my attitude. Educate me.
What about the average medium-size family with two parents who are both employed full time? How much does this family spend on “luxury” items? Do you take vacations, and if so, where do you go? Do you stay within a budget, or does it all get logged onto the credit card to be figured out later how to pay if off?
What about the “mine, yours and ours” mixed families? Some of the children are his, some hers, and one or two are “theirs.” How do you make it work and get them all to co-habitate or at least co-mingle cohesively? Do you or your spouse have an “ex” who lives primarily to make your lives miserable? How does one combat that? Educate me.
Thinking about divorce? Why? Are things really that bad, or is this a passing tri-monthly phase you go through? What are the pitfalls of getting a divorce? For starters, the cost for filing for divorce in Minnesota prevents many from pursuing it further. Never mind trying to figure out how to pay for an attorney. Are there any attorneys who care more and cost less? How does one find them? Educate me.
Then there are the issues of younger, college-age and single women who want to join the ranks of men who are in loftier positions, running companies and flying to conferences. Where does a woman begin to stair-step that ladder? Surely there are women to interview who understand what turns to take and snakes to avoid in traveling that road. Or, for older women who have found themselves coming up short later in life and during retirement age with no work alternatives available to them. How the many are learning to cope. What would they do differently were they able to turn the hands of time back and “re-do” decisions made ten or twenty years ago, knowing what they now know?
Something I know I would really like to understand is about the teenage girl of fifteen who is sexually active. I want to know WHY? Is she that messed up or that confident? Is she on birth control? I remember well what it was like to be a fifteen-year-old girl with “older” boyfriends.
Back in those days there was a very definite line drawn between “fun” and “Uh-huh! No way.”
Not because I was moralistic – more because I was terrified of getting pregnant (number one) and (number two) gaining a “bad reputation.” What is the difference today between fifteen- year-olds who grew up in the 60’s generation of “free love” and everything that implied “hippie” and anti-Vietnam, and today’s typical 15-year-old girl?
There is a place and a need for a section such as “She Says.” But for crying out loud—stop carmel-coating it with the “cutesy” and totally uninteresting (“Midwestern Lingo”—seriously?). Tell us about what it’s like to be a female rookie on the police force or fire department. Interview Heidi Heitkamp and ask what has kept her propelled to keep on truckin’ after all the political muck she’s already had to wade through.
Personally, I enjoyed Pat Springer’s piece in “She Says” about “Intimacy after the Big C.” It was sensitive and forthright at the same time. Give us subjects to enlighten us about real women, who live in the real world today. As for readers and prospective readers of “She Says” — if you don’t want to contribute by giving positive suggestions on how to make it better —then stop reading it! I tell the very same thing to anyone who has derogatory remarks about my column.
Unfortunately, as with so many times when women have gained some ground, their loudest and most obnoxious detractors are other women. And yet we just keep wondering why the proverbial “glass ceiling” has taken over a hundred years to crack!
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